Dunkin Donuts And The Unsavory Characters Within

by Xilla Valentine

Dunkin Donuts

My pregnant queen craves Dunkin Donuts all the time. So I found myself having to run on Dunkin far more days than I’d like to admit. Mainly, because Dunkin really makes you run if you know what I mean. Run to the bathroom. It gives you the runs.

But during this journey, I realized that Dunkin Donuts is always filled with unsavory characters. It’s really like a caffeinated ghetto filled with guttersnipes, vagabonds, and most importantly – people who are too “obtuse” to wear masks correctly.

Literal mouth breathers whose masks habitually fail to reach their noses or worst those with masks looser than a rapper with more side pieces than a Randy Santel Mukbang video and obviously I’m very very excited to be here but I digress.

Seriously pay attention next time you’re in a Dunkin. It doesn’t matter which dinky donuts you, dunk your donuts at they are all filled with folks lacking the skill to do common tasks — like order coffee, stand a full six feet away or just be a functioning member of civil society. Wait who am I kidding there is nothing civil about uhMurica.

My Last Time At Dunkin

When I was in there this week and this guy ordered everything one item at a time.

Can I get an extra-large coffee?

Is that all?

Can I get a donut too?

Which kind.


Anything else?

A crystal sugar jam

A what?!?

His order went on like this for a full 5 minutes and the lady behind me in line, let out an audible gasp and I turn her to and yell to her. Because we are six feet apart. Me too. Through my doubled up mask because I treat Covid like thugs treated after club activities in the 80s. You double up.

The Dunkin clerk looks at me in that nonverbal cue that begged for help from a man who can’t order donuts or you know the usual suspects of Dunkin Donuts.

It was like she didn’t want this guy’s dimness to rub off on her.

So after he individually ordered 4 things. He asked for them to be put in separate bags and the temperature inside me started to rise like an anime character going “Super Saiyan.” I’m breathing in Dunkin Covid air and I just wanna get back home to give my girl her greatest wish. A corn muffin.

Its My Turn

Finally, the guy is done and instead of stepping up to the register I stand where I’m up and I say “Can please I have a corn muffin?” That’s all and the clerk looks at me with extreme joy like she just won the big bank on you are the weakest link, I double tap my phone, Apple Pay because it’s touchless — a major lifesaver during the pandemic. The Dunkin doll places the muffin in my bag then I go about my day with a perfect seamless transaction. Then I saw something that moved into my brain and has been living there rent-free ever since.

The wackadoo coffee drinker’s mask was covered with a dark residue, a type of sludge contaminated his visage as if he tried to drink coffee without taking off his mask. I imagine he drinks coffee how Cookie Monster would eat a Chips Ahoy. It was gross, but honestly, stuff like that always happens when you go into Dunkin.

But, I love Dunkin Donuts. It gives me joy.

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