I’m Xilla Valentine My Past Is Messy But I Still Deserve Love

by Xilla Valentine
Xilla Valentine

If you’re an older dad starting over, who has kids at least ten years apart. You’re in the right place. My name is Xilla Valentine and I just had a son, 19 years after having my first child. That’s a huge age gap. I have to dust off old tricks, relearn the fundamentals, and fix everything I did wrong. Back then I was a young, arrogant dad, dumber than a doorknob. Now, I’m an erudite father in his 40s with 19 years of parenting experience in my bag. Here’s my story and hopefully, with your help, we can create a tribe of what I like to call Dads of Leisure. Father’s doing their absolute best, with the resources they have, but also don’t skimp on their dreams and leisure activities.

Up until now when I sat down to tell my story I felt guilty about sharing it. Afraid I was going to embarrass my loved ones or embarrassed myself. To be honest I am aware that my story isn’t cute. It’s not the traditional story you see on tv shows like Black-Ish, The Carmichael Show, or Modern Family. It’s messy. My parenting past is more like Future’s story than I would like it to be, so sometimes I feel like a fraud pretending to be a good dad and having to constantly remind myself I am deserving of love. You’re entitled to love too, don’t be ashamed for starting over.

I’m Xilla Valentine and I Deserve Love For What I Went Through…
In My Twenties

I was blessed with a daughter when I was just 22 years old, then my second child came 6 short months later, another daughter – Again, my parenting past is messy. Having a baby was my only goal since all my friends had a kid – and I took that personally. I ended up with two daughters the same age. I played the hand I was dealt, but I didn’t play it well – I overcomplicated things and made matters worst for myself by being an utter self-absorbed jerk. Effectively spending the rest of my 20s stressed and bothered. A lot of my stress was self-imposed. I can admit that.

I’m Xilla Valentine and I Deserve Love Because…
In My Thirties

In my thirties however I thrived – I accomplished a lot of what I wanted, I traveled the world and rubbed shoulders with the most successful people to walk the Earth. Because just shy of my 30th birthday things began to click. I stopped fighting a losing battle, stopped wallowing in someone else’s misery and it dawned on me — to follow my dreams. No one was going to make me happy, that was on me. No one was keeping me from having a better life, that was also on me. If I wanted better I had to do better and I would still be a dad regardless. Ergo I pulled out all the stops and almost immediately my life began to change.

Looking back I can see I made a lot of mistakes, but I accomplished my goals. I have left my mistakes in the past. Complaining changes nothing. I can tell everyone, I did my best and live with MY truth, even if someone doesn’t share that truth with me. It’s ok, you can disagree with someone, give them zero energy, and not spend a nanosecond trying to change their mind. Respectfully.

I’m Xilla Valentine and I Deserve Love For What I’ll Go Through…
In My Future

Looking forward, I will accomplish new goals and be a better parent to my children in the process. It’s not up to you to decide who is a good parent, that’s on the children. We don’t have a say in that judgment. I’m a dad by default. Good or bad. I’ve set a goal to give my children a better life than I had and I did that.

In the book “As A Man Thinketh” James Allen writes, “Even if he fails – again and again – to accomplish his purpose the strength of character gained will be the measure of his true success and will form a new starting point for future power and triumph.”  This goes back to something I’ve been preaching a lot on my podcast HOST DADS. Do your best and as long as you do. You’ve won.

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corey Stokes December 16, 2020 - 9:03 pm

Good stuff my guy!!

Xilla Valentine December 16, 2020 - 9:46 pm

Thank you, bro. We’ve been through this it’s time to share the knowledge.


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